Professor Poindexter P. Puggleston's Prepostrapercopopulataportapipplephone

I was sitting on my patio feeling fine
Perusing my paper "The Peppermill Times"
Just past the comics and the classifieds
A particular ad caught my eye
It was promoting something I had never seen
It had a picture of a peculiar machine
The ad promised that it would be
The product of the century
Printed right there on page 38
It proudly proclaimed
Presenting...

Professor Poindexter P. Puggleston痴 Prepostrapercopopulataportapipplephone
It値l peel your potatoes. It値l prune your plants. It値l polish your pewter. It値l press your pants.
It値l plan your party. I値l paint your place. It値l put a piece of plum pie on each person痴 plate.
It packs, purees, purifies and preens. It might just be the perfect machine.


Well, I did not have one and I worried about it
Cause the ad said I could not live without it
I pondered my precarious predicament.
You know the Joneses have one. I gotta keep up with them.
So I grabbed my penny jar and went downtown.
I walked into the store and put my money down.
I told the sales clerk, "I need to purchase one
Of these here porta-pimple-popping-thing-a-ma-bobs"

She point to aisle 83
Between the pickle-barrels and the pumpkinseeds
It was...
Professor Poindexter P. Puggleston痴 Prepostrapercopopulataportapipplephone
It値l peel your potatoes. It値l prune your plants. It値l polish your pewter. It値l press your pants.
It値l plan your party. I値l paint your place. It値l put a piece of plum pie on each person痴 plate.
It packs, purees, purifies and preens. It might just be the perfect machine.


Well, I paid my money and I took it home
And I set that thing up in my living room
I pushed all the levers and pulled all the knobs
And pressed the big red button on the front
I popped out for a second or two
And when I came back I didn稚 know what to do
That crazy machine had flipped its lid
I could not believe what it did

It pickled my pajamas. It pureed my pillows
It painted pink polka dots on my piano
It piled a bunch of pomegranates up in the hall
And peeled all the paint off the parlor walls

It planted pink posies in my pots and pans
And poured pine tar in the pockets of my pants
It packed my pantry full of potpourri
And plucked all the feathers off my pet parakeet

It poured pancake batter on my floor
And put my Aunt Petunia out on the porch
It was...
Professor Poindexter P. Puggleston痴 Prepostrapercopopulataportapipplephone
It値l peel your potatoes. It値l prune your plants. It値l polish your pewter. It値l press your pants.
It値l plan your party. I値l paint your place. It値l put a piece of plum pie on each person痴 plate.
It packs, purees, purifies and preens. It might just be the perfect machine.


Well don稚 you know that I was so mad
I grabbed that paper and I found that ad
That痴 when I saw something I hadn稚 read
In little tiny fine print it said

The Prepostrapercopopulataportapipplephone is for decorative purposes only and should not be turned on
It will not actually perform any of the functions described above.
Puggleston Inc. will not be responsible for damage to person or property due to the operation of it痴 product.
No exchanges, no refunds, no returns no guarantees.
Warranty only valid in particular parts of Portugal and Peru.

Well every story needs a moral, I guess it痴 true
But the only advice I have to give you is
Before you buy anything my friend
Make sure you read the little tiny fine print
And don稚 believe everything you read
Especially if you see

Professor Poindexter P. Puggleston痴 Prepostrapercopopulataportapipplephone
It値l peel your potatoes. It値l prune your plants. It値l polish your pewter. It値l press your pants.
It値l plan your party. I値l paint your place. It値l put a piece of plum pie on each person痴 plate.
It packs, purees, purifies and preens. It might just be the perfect machine.

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